Surviving Tempests

TW: MTP, pregnancy loss

When I was doing my post graduation, I used to spend more time in Parul’s room than my own. Many happy and comfortable hundreds of hours I have spent in her room. We were practically not even the same generation. When she came to join our department, I was already a mother and she wasn’t even married. And there were many other women in the department who I had not been able to connect with.

When my son was nine months old, I accidentally conceived again. Family on both sides refused to help me, though they actively advised against continuing with the pregnancy. I decided to undergo a medical termination. No one even accompanied me when I consulted the gynaecologist. My parents thought it was the in-laws responsibility and in-laws thought it was parents job.

Spouse was studying in a different city. He said I could decide whichever way I wanted it and he would support. I brought home the drugs that were to terminate the pregnancy. I was torn apart by guilt and shame and extreme fear. I had just held a newborn nine months ago and I had welcomed him with all my heart. I wanted to continue with this one too, thinking it was God’s will. But everyone just left me standing alone with a nine month old in my arms and a MD degree to be completed in that very year.
I crumbled against these odds and took the MTP drugs in Parul’s room. She told me that if I bled to death, at least someone would know. She kept me plied with tea while I bled a few bucketful of impurity.

I survived, as you all know, with a lot of bitterness in my heart against the hypocrisy of religion, family and society. Some good people might have said God sent Parul. But I tend to believe, Parul sent herself, made herself available, and I am indebted to her, not to a make believe entity that was supposed to look out for the unborn as well as for myself.

So here’s to my present life, unchained, unburdened with religion. I place my faith in humanity, my own and that of my friends.

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9 thoughts on “Surviving Tempests

  1. I salute you. Been in a similar situation. Torn between what to do. Unlike you, family rallied But share your sentiments on religion. The only God I know is the Shakti within me.
    You certainly cannot choose your family but can choose your Friends. More power to Parial. The world needs more like her and you!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I have never had a child or even been pregnant … to my knowledge. I am told you do not miss what you never had. Really? What I do find myself empathising with is your appreciation of friendship. This one relationship is priceless. Many hugs to you for your loss. And many more hugs for your courage, your sense of humour and your ability to take on life at it’s on terms.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Don’t know what could I write to make you feel better. I can’t even imagine how hard it was to fight this battle by yourself only. Family and relatives (even blood relations) can leave someone alone, when situations like this evolve… I know that, but it is bitter to believe…

    Am glad to discover that you have faith in humanity, not religion…our civilization needs more humans and less religious people…

    Liked by 1 person

  4. You place your faith in mankind and not a make believe alien? How impractical of you..
    Just a few months into marriage, one day I felt severe pain and very heavy bleeding. My periods had been irregular since wedding and I thought that night be the reason. My newly designated husband held me while I flooded the bathroom with blood. As soon as morning hit we headed to the gyno who told us I had miscarried. I didn’t even know I was pregnant! And I didn’t even know if the guy on my side could be a good father. Heck I could not even imagine myself to be a mum!
    Nevertheless, we held each other and grieved together for the loss of our baby we couldn’t even give any love. It’s difficult to explain but I still grieve the baby who could be.
    Hugs and more power to you. But don’t place your trust on humanity

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Dear Radhika, I can very well relate to your situation as I too was blessed with a baby in my womb within eleven months of my firstborn…Just like your families, mine too were totally disappointed and if I may say,disgusted by the turn of events…especially so because my firstborn was ALREADY a SON..so, a second conception was almost uncalled for…I for one, thought too, to go ahead with the termination of the pregnancy as everyone made it look quite a shameful thing to have happened to me….I even went to the doc and got an appointment for the same…but, luckily for me a very close friend of mine reminded me that the tiny little thing that was thriving in my belly could very well be a daughter,a mini me….her words jolted the scared and selfish me out of me as I had wanted to mother a daughter since time immemorial and thus,decided to let the little one live inside me for the following nine months…this was certainly met with a whole lot of criticisms and mockery from people all around me….slowly, however,families from both sides came to accept our situation and nine months later,I was holding our daughter in my arms…I ,wholeheartedly,thank that good friend of mine and also the almighty for helping the otherwise cowardly me to act courageously at that particular time of my life….I am not ,in any way, trying to judge or criticise you dear friend….it’s just that your story inspired me to share mine…you are one strong woman and I’m sure this strength of yours will always guide you to do everything in life that you think is right .

    Liked by 2 people

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